Art Lately

the same fears in my life have come circling back to me again and again. it feels almost impossible to escape them. but there are good times too, good, free times, where I'm grateful that i don't need a conventional job right now and no body is forcing me to conserve my style and i have happy times with friends.
The main fear is art though. Art is the weirdest thing to be a part of, because on one hand it can  be so completing, and real, and takes away the hardness of people and memories, and it just becomes about your mind and your hands and your soul. But on the other hand, it can be scary, and stressful, and you feel forced to make it good and unique and special so that it will be good enough to sell and live off of and admired by people. Its a very defeating thing.
every admirable artist that i look up to and am surrounded by tell me the same words: don't worry about being good, because then your art will not be good. Just do art for you, for your soul, for your passion. But then i say to myself, "that wont get me accepted into an art college in new york!" and that makes me sad. art should never be about that.
one wise person commented on one of my instagram photos and said, "i just moved from NYC to LA. i don't feel any different. we just have to use it to make art, that's all." and i honestly almost started crying. i need to use that in my soul, in my art. i need to embrace this conservative, pressuring life and society around me. it really does give me so many emotions, and for myself, to get them out, and display them in my art. before that comment i never realized how strongly my art is influenced from that. i need to remember it doesn't matter where i am. i should still aim to be places for me, for the essence of living my life, though. but i need to remember, that doesn't define anything.
i love drawing and painting people because of the breathtaking amount of emotion that come from their face and eyes and the lighting and everything, but one of the people i admire most advised me this, "put all of that emotion, into everything that you see. aim for that." i truly am surrounded by great artists, i just have to find the ones i agree with and love and even all of the artists i don't agree with and love can teach me something.
i need art to be a constant and a never out of my life thing. i need it. its truly, honestly the only place i have ever felt like i belong. even through all of the times i want to pull my hair out, and shout, and cry because i feel so incompetent. its a part of me, and i need to trust in that. the universe and my soul know where i need to be led. whether it be in my art, in my life, or in anything.
i feel silly calling myself an artist, because i have never sold anything and i am not successful at all. its not out there in the world at all. there are people my age so much more successful and powerful and confident in their art. but i'm starting to think being an artist is never, ever about success. its about doing it, because you adore it. because you feel it, because you just do it. even sketches on napkins or throwing paint at something is a beautiful form of art, i believe. and calling yourself an artist does not make you pretentious or anything, it just means that you are in tune with what you believe and you like to express that.
i truly believe everything out there in this world is art, and instead of trying to be original, because it is utterly impossible, we should only create art to be one with the universe. to be one with our souls, ourselves. that's a universal and never ending concept. and even if i never sell a piece of art, or never get anywhere with it, i just want to experience it, even though art school in New York is expensive and crazy and scary, i want to go for the experience, and i'm not ashamed of that.  you only live once, and even though that's over used and ghetto, its for real.
still, even after all of this knowledge and beliefs, i am scared. my two favorite teachers told me just to draw everything that i see, but i'm scared other people don't like them or think they are good enough so i've been avoiding doing that. i need to stop, because i feel so crushed when i worry about that. i think the things i draw are good enough, and i need to realize that if i do, they are.
these are terrible quality pictures, and they really are lame, but i want to get them out, because i feel proud, for maybe even no reason. and that's the best kind of pride, for me at least.

 haha that one was of a person, but it wasn't from a picture, they just modeled, so i still count it!

 a quick landscape of my kitchen sink.

 just a messy table, but somehow kind of beautiful.

 i feel as if this one has the most meaning. its so significant to me. it shows exactly how i have been feeling about art. i really appreciate it.

i feel like this one also has the most meaning, its a self portrait of me in blender, its really messy and distorted and i feel like my life has been quite the same lately, haha!

I don't even feel ashamed for the lengthy ramble, because it truly has consumed my mind lately. and even though barely anyone will see this post, i feel proud, for no reason. 

sincerely, a slightly lost Brittany 

nothing

i feel so fake sometimes. i feel so gross going back sometimes and looking at what i have said, who i was.. i feel like i have never truly been the person i look back on and feel proud of. thats not completely true, because its shaped everything i am today, but you can understand. i have began to think that the only way to truly make people happy is to compliment them, or smile at them, just all of those normal, stereotypical things.. but i now am starting to truly believe its not. life is not all about doing the most pleasant services or saying the most pleasant words. thats not what makes people happy, i know that for a fact. i dont know how to explain it, but peoples love can become kind of an addiction, you know? i start searching for that compliment, that love, from every person, or just one person, and it never truly satisfies me, which is so sad. then i go out searching for more, and more, and my whole life is just spent searching. i dont know if its like that for anyone else, but its terribly miserable. i think the best thing you can do, to satisfy that need and craving for love, is to realize the things you love, that make you feel like the person you love, you know? like your music, your style, your friends, your family, your beliefs, the things that are always with you. whatever you pride yourself on, dont think that other people need to realize. i dont know if this makes any sense, but i know for a fact that most people dont realize. thats not a bad thing. it really gives you more time for yourself, which sounds crazy and weird, but why isnt more time for ourselves good anymore? its what you can expect. what im trying to say is that when im just waiting for that love, that love that i feel as if i need to survive and float, i feel the unhappiest i have ever before. its totally natural though, you know?  i think that the most important thing is a best friendship with yourself. which is totally unnatural though, you know? we have to trust that those people out there, including ourselves, will always get what they need, love wise. always. but when we feel like we need more love, i think the best way to be a friend for yourself is to truly look around. just go in your room and sit there and look. its all good man, even when its not. those friends, those people, that never leave, are it for you man. feel good about that. even if we feel as if not one soul loves us, just look at who you are. thats all you need to do. instead of searching on the outside, search on the inside. thats all you need to know.

What I Believed: My Beliefs Today

Recently, I have kind of been waiting for something to hit me to help me through life, but i realized those arent the best moments. Because honestly, those are so rare, and they are gone in a flash. i have just felt kind of stuffed up. and trying to search through life, the things i have been clinging to so strongly, that having been pulling me through, were these: there are no answers, and you cant just figure out why these things happen. so, the most you can do is take the moments that happen to you, even if they aren't life changing, pleasant, great, spectacular, or even fine. if they are just the most normal or even terrible moments in the world, you have to take them. just take them, and have them. because even though someday we may lose our memory, or we may lose our limbs, or our families, or the thing we love the most, just living through your life, will always be enough. thats what i truly believe, thats what i mean when i say, "just live". this year, i have been surrounded by more death, than i have ever ever been before. seriously, its been scary. ive realized i dont know what to do, or say. at funerals, i dont want to act fake just because they are gone now, and at hospitals, i want to go up and hug every person and tell them that they are beautiful, but i cant, or i just dont. and you know, i realize now, that is okay. if i decide to at the moment, that is okay. ive realized, that just one moment, isnt completely life changing. and thats okay. thats great. and really, even though i dont talk to 99.9999% of the world, i feel so connected to all of them, so blessed to live here with them, and i love them. from this thought, i have learned to love the world. i feel so connected to the world. through every moment, everyday, every sad or awkward or amazing time. i dont know why, but that has been my peace, and it is my belief today.

Scared.

I'm not genna lie to you guys. Life, is so freaking scary. its been soooo frightening. ive been so lost and sad and scared for every single thing in the future. i have based my life on all the wrong things and i feel as if i have been letting everyone down. it feels like i havent been true to myself, i havent been what i know to be right. ive been lost and i honestly dont know where im going. i dont feel like im genna get better. i dont know if im ever genna be what i want to be. i dont know, if i am even good at what i so long to be good at. i want to be a motivational speaker. but, im not even motivating myself. my talks dont help me. they arent doing anything. i havent been inspiring and i dont know whats going on. all of the talks ive wrote, and the happiness i try so hard to have, and the person i have been, just feels so fake. i feel completely empty. i feel like my hope is no where to be found. i feel tired out from my old way of life, but i feel so completely frightened to change. i feel like i am not doing any good to the world. i am not proud of myself. i have let my best friends down more then i ever have before, and its scary. im not doing anything for them. but yet, they still want to stay and help me. its all so weird. i expect perfectness from myself and life. i dont forgive myself quickly at all. im far too dramatic, and this whole thing is probably 100% overly dramatic then it needs to be. i dont take critisism well and i have been trying so hard to change, i have been trying so hard for everything in my life, but that doesnt make me happy. its hard and unhappy and i feel lost and weird. its so scary when it feels like you are just a lie. a lie! can you imagine? i may be flippen so much because i am a total teenage girl, but i just dont know. i dont know if i can change. that is scary. im scared for everything. its times like this, when being a hermit sounds like heaven. i feel so bad for judging. i feel so lost in my spiritual life. i feel so alone, completely alone, and even though i know im not, i feel so alone because i have let everyone down, including God. and i dont know anymore. i wish i had inspiring things to tell you. i know that everything happens for a reason, and i know someday i will look at this and be all like, "gah! what a blessing." but then, life comes back again. and i get scared and i feel lonely and im not happy. i honestly., dont know how to be happy. its a scary thought. the more i try, the more i realize there is not an answer for anything. everything is open territory and nothing is the right path. i believe there must be a right path for everyone, a different path for everyone though. but right now, im just lost. im stuck in the middle and i try other paths but they arent right. they are scary and lonely and i dont know anymore. i honestly dont. the best advice i will ever be able to give, that never feels fake, is that you have to keep on going. keep on hoping. when all hope feels lost, you know what is a beautiful thought? hope isnt lost. it never is. and someday, just someday, it will happen. that beautiful moment when you head down the right path. it will feel like home and youll cry tears of joy and youll be happy, even though life isnt perfect it will be enough. but then, there is going to be that day when its just not the right path anymore. and your genna have to find a new one. you musnt be scared for that though, because its not scary. its just searching for the happiness you deserve, so when you find it, it is cherished. some paths will be longer and others will be shorter. but you have to keep on moving, all the way, or else its never going to be anything. life, and you, and everything else, will stay the same in that state that it is in. all you have to do, is live. and trust that its beautiful! your life, is beautiful. how sweet of a thought. how true of a thought. just be okay, with everything. no worries, because, i am telling you this, right now, that you are in the right place. even when you are like me, and feel hopeless and lost, you are where you are meant to be. yourself, and your life, are right where they are meant to be. hah, that feels so fake to me, but i have hope for that. in some way, i feel that is real. really, just keep going. just keep going for all of the days. and really, try not to worry, trust in that thought i stated, even though it may not seem that way. the things you are going through, are so little. so nothing, compared to it all. i promise. trust in that also, no matter how untrue it may seem. when all else fails, trust. lets just trust, that there is still beauty in the world, and that someday, we can be everything everything everything we dream of being. trust. trust. trust, trust, trust.