The main fear is art though. Art is the weirdest thing to be a part of, because on one hand it can be so completing, and real, and takes away the hardness of people and memories, and it just becomes about your mind and your hands and your soul. But on the other hand, it can be scary, and stressful, and you feel forced to make it good and unique and special so that it will be good enough to sell and live off of and admired by people. Its a very defeating thing.
every admirable artist that i look up to and am surrounded by tell me the same words: don't worry about being good, because then your art will not be good. Just do art for you, for your soul, for your passion. But then i say to myself, "that wont get me accepted into an art college in new york!" and that makes me sad. art should never be about that.
one wise person commented on one of my instagram photos and said, "i just moved from NYC to LA. i don't feel any different. we just have to use it to make art, that's all." and i honestly almost started crying. i need to use that in my soul, in my art. i need to embrace this conservative, pressuring life and society around me. it really does give me so many emotions, and for myself, to get them out, and display them in my art. before that comment i never realized how strongly my art is influenced from that. i need to remember it doesn't matter where i am. i should still aim to be places for me, for the essence of living my life, though. but i need to remember, that doesn't define anything.
i love drawing and painting people because of the breathtaking amount of emotion that come from their face and eyes and the lighting and everything, but one of the people i admire most advised me this, "put all of that emotion, into everything that you see. aim for that." i truly am surrounded by great artists, i just have to find the ones i agree with and love and even all of the artists i don't agree with and love can teach me something.
i need art to be a constant and a never out of my life thing. i need it. its truly, honestly the only place i have ever felt like i belong. even through all of the times i want to pull my hair out, and shout, and cry because i feel so incompetent. its a part of me, and i need to trust in that. the universe and my soul know where i need to be led. whether it be in my art, in my life, or in anything.
i feel silly calling myself an artist, because i have never sold anything and i am not successful at all. its not out there in the world at all. there are people my age so much more successful and powerful and confident in their art. but i'm starting to think being an artist is never, ever about success. its about doing it, because you adore it. because you feel it, because you just do it. even sketches on napkins or throwing paint at something is a beautiful form of art, i believe. and calling yourself an artist does not make you pretentious or anything, it just means that you are in tune with what you believe and you like to express that.
i truly believe everything out there in this world is art, and instead of trying to be original, because it is utterly impossible, we should only create art to be one with the universe. to be one with our souls, ourselves. that's a universal and never ending concept. and even if i never sell a piece of art, or never get anywhere with it, i just want to experience it, even though art school in New York is expensive and crazy and scary, i want to go for the experience, and i'm not ashamed of that. you only live once, and even though that's over used and ghetto, its for real.
still, even after all of this knowledge and beliefs, i am scared. my two favorite teachers told me just to draw everything that i see, but i'm scared other people don't like them or think they are good enough so i've been avoiding doing that. i need to stop, because i feel so crushed when i worry about that. i think the things i draw are good enough, and i need to realize that if i do, they are.
these are terrible quality pictures, and they really are lame, but i want to get them out, because i feel proud, for maybe even no reason. and that's the best kind of pride, for me at least.
haha that one was of a person, but it wasn't from a picture, they just modeled, so i still count it!
a quick landscape of my kitchen sink.
just a messy table, but somehow kind of beautiful.
i feel as if this one has the most meaning. its so significant to me. it shows exactly how i have been feeling about art. i really appreciate it.
i feel like this one also has the most meaning, its a self portrait of me in blender, its really messy and distorted and i feel like my life has been quite the same lately, haha!
I don't even feel ashamed for the lengthy ramble, because it truly has consumed my mind lately. and even though barely anyone will see this post, i feel proud, for no reason.
sincerely, a slightly lost Brittany
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