I'm not genna lie to you guys. Life, is so freaking scary. its been soooo frightening. ive been so lost and sad and scared for every single thing in the future. i have based my life on all the wrong things and i feel as if i have been letting everyone down. it feels like i havent been true to myself, i havent been what i know to be right. ive been lost and i honestly dont know where im going. i dont feel like im genna get better. i dont know if im ever genna be what i want to be. i dont know, if i am even good at what i so long to be good at. i want to be a motivational speaker. but, im not even motivating myself. my talks dont help me. they arent doing anything. i havent been inspiring and i dont know whats going on. all of the talks ive wrote, and the happiness i try so hard to have, and the person i have been, just feels so fake. i feel completely empty. i feel like my hope is no where to be found. i feel tired out from my old way of life, but i feel so completely frightened to change. i feel like i am not doing any good to the world. i am not proud of myself. i have let my best friends down more then i ever have before, and its scary. im not doing anything for them. but yet, they still want to stay and help me. its all so weird. i expect perfectness from myself and life. i dont forgive myself quickly at all. im far too dramatic, and this whole thing is probably 100% overly dramatic then it needs to be. i dont take critisism well and i have been trying so hard to change, i have been trying so hard for everything in my life, but that doesnt make me happy. its hard and unhappy and i feel lost and weird. its so scary when it feels like you are just a lie. a lie! can you imagine? i may be flippen so much because i am a total teenage girl, but i just dont know. i dont know if i can change. that is scary. im scared for everything. its times like this, when being a hermit sounds like heaven. i feel so bad for judging. i feel so lost in my spiritual life. i feel so alone, completely alone, and even though i know im not, i feel so alone because i have let everyone down, including God. and i dont know anymore. i wish i had inspiring things to tell you. i know that everything happens for a reason, and i know someday i will look at this and be all like, "gah! what a blessing." but then, life comes back again. and i get scared and i feel lonely and im not happy. i honestly., dont know how to be happy. its a scary thought. the more i try, the more i realize there is not an answer for anything. everything is open territory and nothing is the right path. i believe there must be a right path for everyone, a different path for everyone though. but right now, im just lost. im stuck in the middle and i try other paths but they arent right. they are scary and lonely and i dont know anymore. i honestly dont. the best advice i will ever be able to give, that never feels fake, is that you have to keep on going. keep on hoping. when all hope feels lost, you know what is a beautiful thought? hope isnt lost. it never is. and someday, just someday, it will happen. that beautiful moment when you head down the right path. it will feel like home and youll cry tears of joy and youll be happy, even though life isnt perfect it will be enough. but then, there is going to be that day when its just not the right path anymore. and your genna have to find a new one. you musnt be scared for that though, because its not scary. its just searching for the happiness you deserve, so when you find it, it is cherished. some paths will be longer and others will be shorter. but you have to keep on moving, all the way, or else its never going to be anything. life, and you, and everything else, will stay the same in that state that it is in. all you have to do, is live. and trust that its beautiful! your life, is beautiful. how sweet of a thought. how true of a thought. just be okay, with everything. no worries, because, i am telling you this, right now, that you are in the right place. even when you are like me, and feel hopeless and lost, you are where you are meant to be. yourself, and your life, are right where they are meant to be. hah, that feels so fake to me, but i have hope for that. in some way, i feel that is real. really, just keep going. just keep going for all of the days. and really, try not to worry, trust in that thought i stated, even though it may not seem that way. the things you are going through, are so little. so nothing, compared to it all. i promise. trust in that also, no matter how untrue it may seem. when all else fails, trust. lets just trust, that there is still beauty in the world, and that someday, we can be everything everything everything we dream of being. trust. trust. trust, trust, trust.
