nothing

i feel so fake sometimes. i feel so gross going back sometimes and looking at what i have said, who i was.. i feel like i have never truly been the person i look back on and feel proud of. thats not completely true, because its shaped everything i am today, but you can understand. i have began to think that the only way to truly make people happy is to compliment them, or smile at them, just all of those normal, stereotypical things.. but i now am starting to truly believe its not. life is not all about doing the most pleasant services or saying the most pleasant words. thats not what makes people happy, i know that for a fact. i dont know how to explain it, but peoples love can become kind of an addiction, you know? i start searching for that compliment, that love, from every person, or just one person, and it never truly satisfies me, which is so sad. then i go out searching for more, and more, and my whole life is just spent searching. i dont know if its like that for anyone else, but its terribly miserable. i think the best thing you can do, to satisfy that need and craving for love, is to realize the things you love, that make you feel like the person you love, you know? like your music, your style, your friends, your family, your beliefs, the things that are always with you. whatever you pride yourself on, dont think that other people need to realize. i dont know if this makes any sense, but i know for a fact that most people dont realize. thats not a bad thing. it really gives you more time for yourself, which sounds crazy and weird, but why isnt more time for ourselves good anymore? its what you can expect. what im trying to say is that when im just waiting for that love, that love that i feel as if i need to survive and float, i feel the unhappiest i have ever before. its totally natural though, you know?  i think that the most important thing is a best friendship with yourself. which is totally unnatural though, you know? we have to trust that those people out there, including ourselves, will always get what they need, love wise. always. but when we feel like we need more love, i think the best way to be a friend for yourself is to truly look around. just go in your room and sit there and look. its all good man, even when its not. those friends, those people, that never leave, are it for you man. feel good about that. even if we feel as if not one soul loves us, just look at who you are. thats all you need to do. instead of searching on the outside, search on the inside. thats all you need to know.

What I Believed: My Beliefs Today

Recently, I have kind of been waiting for something to hit me to help me through life, but i realized those arent the best moments. Because honestly, those are so rare, and they are gone in a flash. i have just felt kind of stuffed up. and trying to search through life, the things i have been clinging to so strongly, that having been pulling me through, were these: there are no answers, and you cant just figure out why these things happen. so, the most you can do is take the moments that happen to you, even if they aren't life changing, pleasant, great, spectacular, or even fine. if they are just the most normal or even terrible moments in the world, you have to take them. just take them, and have them. because even though someday we may lose our memory, or we may lose our limbs, or our families, or the thing we love the most, just living through your life, will always be enough. thats what i truly believe, thats what i mean when i say, "just live". this year, i have been surrounded by more death, than i have ever ever been before. seriously, its been scary. ive realized i dont know what to do, or say. at funerals, i dont want to act fake just because they are gone now, and at hospitals, i want to go up and hug every person and tell them that they are beautiful, but i cant, or i just dont. and you know, i realize now, that is okay. if i decide to at the moment, that is okay. ive realized, that just one moment, isnt completely life changing. and thats okay. thats great. and really, even though i dont talk to 99.9999% of the world, i feel so connected to all of them, so blessed to live here with them, and i love them. from this thought, i have learned to love the world. i feel so connected to the world. through every moment, everyday, every sad or awkward or amazing time. i dont know why, but that has been my peace, and it is my belief today.